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Sir David Attenborough demonstrates the accuracy of the Mozambique Spitting Cobra’s venom streams by wearing a chemically treated visor that makes the venom turn purple on contact.

From Life in Cold Blood

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH IS MORE HARDCORE THAN ANY DOCUMENTARIAN CAN POSSIBLY IMAGINE. 

DID CARL SAGAN DO ANYTHING LIKE THIS SHIT? I THOUGHT NOT. BILL NYE? FUCK NO.

BEAR GRILLES IS A PIECE OF SHIT COMPARED TO THIS CARAMEL-VOICED ENGLISH BASTARD. 

SIR ATTENBOROUGH IS A BILLION YEARS OLD AND HE WILL NOT STOP. HE IS THE TERMINATOR OF NATURE DOCUMENTARIES. HE’S CLIMBED TO THE TOP OF THE HIGHEST JUNGLE TREE TO LOOK AT LILIES. HE’S SOARED IN THE SKY IN A GLIDER WITH VULTURES. HE CROSSED THE PACIFIC TO SEE WHALES. HE’S EVEN BEEN TO THE BOTTOM OF THE GODDAMN OCEAN TO TALK ABOUT THE SPOOKY-ASS SHIT THAT LIVES DOWN THERE.  KILIMANJARO?  BEEN THERE. NORTH POLE? BEEN THERE. SAHARA DESERT? BEEN THERE MULTIPLE TIMES. FUCKING VOLCANOES?  BEEN AND DONE.  FUCKING AUSTRALIA? ENTIRE SHOWS THERE. HE WILL NOT STOP. HE WILL NEVER STOP.  NOT UNTIL HIS SMOOTH-ASS FATHERLY VOICE AS TAUGHT US ALL ABOUT ALL THE NATURE FOREVER.

I have to reblog this because of my deep and abiding love for David Attenborough. 

For the sake of adding something, here is a documentary I made of David Attenborough talking about the life cycle of the alien from Alien: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nCV7OGEfydk

I spend my days working in The Loft Bookshop to help out a friend. It’s pretty quiet, so I take the time I can to write letters and apply for jobs. This is the first video I’ve done from there. It’s a documentary on the “xenomorphs” from the Alien movies, voiced by the voice of education, Sir David Attenborough. 

It ended up taking far more work/time than I’d expected, but once it was under way I felt like it would be a waste to just leave it half-finished. I hope you enjoy it :)

Alien

  • Me:

    What confuses me about Alien is, if the face hugger thing lies eggs in your belly-

  • Flash:

    Well, somewhere in the abdomen.

  • Me:

    Right! So those eggs hatch and the alien creature thing tears out of you.

  • Flash:

    Yeah...

  • Me:

    So I guess my question is, where do the original eggs come from?

  • Flash:

    From a queen.

  • Me:

    Ah, but where does the queen come from!?

  • Flash:

    Well, I guess it's a... line of succession sort of a thing.

Movie Idea

So I’ve been thinking that there just plain aren’t enough good science fiction movies coming out. Ever since the sequel/remake of The Thing, I’ve been wondering if the time is right for us to revive other established brands and see how well they fare with the help of modern effects and enormous budgets. 

The plan is for a movie (or a videogame, perhaps) in the vein of those science fiction/horror classics, titled Alien Versus Predator: Postcolonial Marine. 

Now, I understand that this might seem like a niche idea, but essentially it’ll feature a team of sociologists and archaeologists dropped on some far-flung space rock, years after the first few Alien movies. Mankind has by now successfully colonised almost every planet in the galaxy, and it’s the job of this specialised team (landing with a heap of peculiar and futuristic equipment) to document as much as possible the experiences of what it means to be part of the subalternised alien race. 

Fun features include:

  • The aliens’ dependence on humans for, among other things, food and reproduction
  • The constant threat of attack from Predators
  • The gradual erosion of non-human rights as colonial miners spread further and further from settlements in search of resources

The film practically writes itself. We could even spend a half hour or so retelling the story from the first Alien movie from the point of view of the alien itself: 

  • Hostile humans land on homeworld. 
  • Steal into hatchery, break eggs. 
  • Smash everything as they escape with one of the aliens. 
  • Alien gestates and emerges to stage a one-man campaign to repel the interlopers
  • Succeeds, but dies in the attempt - saddest story ever told

As I said above, the movie will have niche appeal; living as we do in an age of uncomfortable foreign policies, postcolonial sentiment is often a bit of a hard sell. However, I think there are a couple of markets we can really tap into with this. The inhabitants of disenfranchised postcolonies should be a fairly strong market, but there’s also that strange group of persecuted loners that should identify strongly with the alien characters. 

Other groups with whom this should be popular include actual miners, for whom the moral of the story could be, “If you must mine in places you don’t own, try not to harm any freakish alien killing machines you encounter along the way.” 

While this might be taking a bit of a “long tail” view of the situation, there’s also a big legacy market to tap once human beings encounter alien life. While the aliens themselves might not be at all interested in such simple things as human film culture, this movie showing the necessities of delicate intercultural relationship will likely end up on school curriculums the world over. 

If anyone has any friends in the movie industry, give them my number, we’ll “do lunch.”*

*In the event that the person you’re about to refer me to is, in fact, an alien, please do not inform them that I will meet them for lunch. Racist as it might be, I worry that they might ram their ovipositor down my throat and lay a clutch of broodlings in my belly.

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